I’ve been hit with an unfortunate rediscovery about myself on this trip: I’m really good at losing things.
Little things, big things… important and unimportant things; I have the uncanny ability to misplace them. On this trip it’s been a pair of sunglasses, a skirt, a sleeping bag, a comb, and most recently and most tragically (maybe I’m exaggerating a little, but hey, it’s still fresh) my camera. My newly purchased, cause of intense paranoia during travel, the one thing I absolutely could NOT let myself lose, camera. The biggest financial investment I’ve ever made completely on my own, and the only tangible form of memory I have from this trip… And I left it on the last stinkin’ van we took to get from Mozambique to South Africa. Oy vey.
In prayer, I told God it was OK that it was lost… so long as I got it back, I acknowledged that He and only He could both use this to further His Kingdom AND miraculously return my camera to me. No, I told myself, I’m not putting a stupid physical possession above God. I just want my camera. I want to show my friends and family the new families I’ve grown to love. I want to show off my favorite little girls from Mozambique. I want a sweet new profile picture for Facebook. Those aren’t bad, right? But, for reasons I still don’t understand… God has different plans.
One of the first things we were told about Africa in training is that the culture is very animistic, meaning it focuses largely on the spiritual. In Mozambique, I discovered this meant that even the few physical possessions they have aren’t really taken care of. If a page from their sole book was ripped, no one cared. Stuff just wasn’t important. You might not be completely surprised to hear that the Western world places a much higher emphasis on the physical. But I would have never said that about myself.
No, I’d tell myself, I’m a Christian. I know all about the spiritual world and warfare and that there’s a battle for my soul, but it’s all good because Jesus already won. I go to church and I pray. I feel the Holy Spirit move me when I worship. I am a spiritual being… But unless there was a physical change from my prayers, I didn’t think they were working. Unless I felt some real feeling of happiness or deep conviction or something during worship, I’d tell myself I was in a funk or just having an off day. Yes, I may have recognized a spiritual element in my life, but I in no way let it be the focus of my walk with God or my life in general.
Before I go any further, I want to say that Africa’s vast focus on the spirit is not without flaw. It has lead to ancestral worship, rituals, and a lack of regard for the physical. As important as the spiritual side of life is, the physical cannot be ignored. Although we’ve been given the Holy Spirit as a helper, we were also given Jesus Christ in the flesh, God with us, who died a very real and physical death. We’ve been given a very physical world to inhabit until the glorious day when we’re reunited with Christ. We’re physical beings in a physical world with a spiritual purpose and a spiritual destiny. And so, we live in an awkward tension and tend to lean to one side or the other.
“You however are not in the flesh but in the Spirit, if in fact the Spirit of God dwells in you. Anyone who does not have the Spirit of Christ does not belong to him. But if Christ is in you, although the body is dead because of sin, the Spirit is life because of righteousness.” (Romans 8:9-10)
Our flesh is broken. Our physical self is flawed. And some day, it’s going to fade away. Our houses will fade, our pictures will fade, even our relationships will fade. So this cumulation of stuff that we seem to be in an unending arms race to acquire is not the purpose for our lives. When we seek these things, put our value in them, and trust in them more than we trust in God, we’re missing the mark. I’m not an expert by any means, but I’d argue that this tension we live in stems from our forgetting who we really are, who we really belong to, and what our physical life is really about.
“Your sense of security must not rest in your possessions or in things going your way. I am training you to depend on Me alone, finding fulfillment in My Presence. This entails being satisfied with much or with little, accepting either as My will for the moment” -Jesus Calling, November 7
Yeah, needless to say that was a slap in the face. Who I am and who God is to me is not determined by what I have. I’ve been surrounded by people who are praising God amidst their impoverished environment, and yet somehow I still missed it. If my most fervent and frequent prayers are about some thing that will be important for the next 60 years at most, I’m missing the point. I’ve belittled God in thinking I can’t fully tell my story without my pictures. I keep saying “my story” as if I’ve had any control in anything that’s happened… and as if all that’s happened is for my own glory. I’ve been focusing on all the physical stuff I have or currently don’t have, and all the physical changes I’ve seen.
When we arrived in Africa, we were told that we were entering into a spiritual battle. Yet I clung to my comfortable, physical ways. I found security in myself, my fancy REI gear, my teammates, and if I really had to, I turned to God and asked Him to work on all those things I couldn’t see.
I don’t want you to read all of this and think, “Wow, Emily’s in Africa and she isn’t even walking with God.” Because I want you to know that my time here has made me depend on God in ways I never thought I would. I’ve felt a companionship with God that I never had before. I’ve seen the Bible come alive in ways that still blow my mind. My faith has grown so much and I am so thankful for that. But learning to view your life and your world as spiritual when you’ve been raised in a very physical culture is hard. I’ve spent the past 4 months just trying to understand the difference between the two and I still feel nowhere close to actually getting it. But from the little bits I’ve finally grasped, I think that God is now telling me, “It’s time to be radical, my daughter. It’s time to hear but not understand, so that you can put all your trust and hope in me. My plans are so much bigger and better than anything your one-tracked mind can understand, so let go of your own and seek me. You may not see it, but this is for your prosperity and my glory. You are no longer of the flesh, so stop clinging to it.”
And so, without understanding why, I am going to trust that I don’t have my camera for a reason. Right now, I’m letting go and giving it to God. I will continue praying about it, because I know God is able to work miracles and because I truly want to be able to show all of my family and friends the incredible people that I have met and the amazing places that I have seen throughout this journey. And I’ll also pray because I know I need to release all the bitterness still harbored in my heart. But whatever happens from here, God is good.
Em, this seriously challenged me. Not for a second was I thinking “wow, she’s not walking with Jesus.” I was thinking wow, she has been drawn incredibly close to Him. I am proud of you. I think the Lord is teaching you things to impact your ministry for the rest of your life, no matter what you do. Don’t allow this attitude to leave you, pray for it to stay.